eHomogeny

KATE WEST (GRADE 11)

White liberals, we understand. You aren’t racist. You didn’t vote for Trump, you have never used the N-word, and you would genuinely treat a black person equally, if you ever were to meet one. Unfortunately, you have no means of displaying your prized woke-ness, because your friend circle is so white you could walk into an airport security line together and the TSA agents would practically beg you all to pat them down. And this can’t be your fault, as you probably live in a classic suburban area where there are more burrito places than there are Hispanic people. Now, you may be wondering if you fall into this category. Perhaps you have some Chinese and Indian friends who critique your food choices and you’ve been to a few Bar Mitzvahs, so you feel like you’re generally beginning to fill the innate cultural void within any white American. Here’s a hint: If you’ve ever seen a concentration of people of color in the hallway and automatically thought, “Hey, my town is kind of diverse,” it isn’t. But again, you’re not racist. And all you would need to prove it are some people of other races.

Now, we couldn’t challenge you to seek out diverse perspectives by encouraging you to put yourself into new environments and activities, striving to connect with people outside of your suburb in ways that require you to observe and push back against your inherent biases within unfamiliar social situations. That’s a big ask. White liberals such as yourself don’t have time. Why else would they consistently choose to eat two Kind Bars instead of making themselves a real lunch? That’s why we’ve made it easy. With eHomogeny, you don’t have to leave your couch. Just make a profile on our site, making sure to include your age, zip code, and minority of choice. Our experts will match you to just the friend you need, until your Instagram posts begin to display the impressively cultured diversity of front page of college catalogues.

One user commented in delight, “I used to have only white friends, until eHomogeny sent me the address of a person of color in the area! And I never even had to leave my comfort zone! My Facebook posts about intersectionality are SO much stronger now that I have a selfie with a black friend as my profile picture!! Thx eHomogeny <3”

The black friend in question commented, “Um why do white liberals keep coming to my house and asking for selfies with me?” Our users can rest assured: It’s because of eHomogeny.

Get your free trial today at eHomogeny.com. Remember, struggling against racism has never been more important! With our efficient program you don’t need to go through the tedious hassle of fighting, advocating, understanding, reaching out, blah blah blah. All you have to do to join that struggle now is reference your new black bestie in a few conversations so everyone knows you’re woke. Enjoy.

Please note: this piece is satirical.

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